Can Getting A Divorce Make You A Psychopath?

Coming from a person currently going through a divorce, I know first hand that divorce is hard, to say the least. The divorce process along with its long-term side effects is a major stressor that has been known to cause psychological and physical health problems in many people.

A divorce involves an emotional and legal separation of marital bonds, negotiations of custody and financial arrangements and an establishment of a new lifestyle. In addition, because most women continue to be the custodial caregiver of the children, many fathers must cope and adjust to being the non-custodial parent. Given this list of major life changing events, it is no wonder that divorce causes emotional, physical and financial trauma to most couples. 

According to the Journal Of Family Issues, after experiencing a divorce, the non-custodial parents are more likely to engage in harmful and reckless activities more often than the divorced custodial parents. Divorced men in particular, show higher rates of automobile accidents, alcohol abuse, diabetes, heart disease and mental illnesses compared to married men.

Children Can Inspire You To Have A Fairytale Happy Divorce

As you can imagine, divorce can throw a curve ball into your life. At times, we get so busy picking up the pieces of what was broken, we forget about the children. If children are involved, we must make sure that they are first priority and receive an equal amount of comfort from both mom and dad. Children are innocent bystanders and it is both parents responsibility to protect their well-being during this unfortunate circumstance.

Children are entitled to have both parents raise them, therefore, both parents should be granted a reasonable amount of time for parenting. Children also need both parents to be involved in their regular activities such as school plays, basketball games and birthday parties. If necessary, this can provide the best opportunity for you to exercise that breathing techniques learned in meditation class. Encourage your children to spend time with the other parent, without making them feel guilty. Children should not have to take sides or feel as though they have to love one parent more than the other. Reassure them that although mom and dad live in two separate homes, the love that you both have for them will remain the same.

Making your children’s well-being first priority in this process can be the first step in accomplishing a “fairytale happy divorce.” Children force both parties to resist acting out of anger and revenge and to first consider how it will affect the children.  

Life After Divorce, Mastering The Balancing Act

Couples that choose to get a divorce when there are children involved face added challenges. The process of divorce, in of itself, can be emotionally damaging and if not addressed properly can leave long lasting wounds. Children are especially vulnerable to developing resentment, guilt and an unhealthy perception of family life that can stay imprinted on them through their adult life. 

It is important that both parents make their children's emotional well-being a top priority and protect them as much as possible from the bitter effects of divorce. The best way to do this is by modeling the behavior that you want for your children to follow. Children will soon grow to understand that, in life, it is inevitable to experience unexpected and unwanted change, failure and other life altering situations. It is our job as parents and adults to teach and provide a blueprint of the route to take in order to best conquer those challenges and grow from the experiences.

Remember to keep your support system close to you and don't be afraid to reach out to them when your feeling overwhelmed. Friends and family that love and support you can provide you with a more balanced approach to the way that you perceive your experiences. They can also provide an escape from the day-to-day hustle and bustle, giving you time to release and recharge.

As a newly divorced single parent you must master and effectively implement the art of the "balancing act." Managing the stress of rebuilding after divorce, along with the added responsibility of being a single parent providing structure, guidance and a stable and happy home can seem like an unrealistic task at first sight. The good thing about this is when you understand the balancing act, you can rebuild bigger and better, while at the same time, providing your children with the loving tools to thrive in adulthood.

By far the best ways to develop a solid balancing act is through prayer and meditation. Dedicating just 10 minutes a day to prayer and meditation can change the way you make decisions and how you decide to experience life situations. They are both powerful tools used to teach you how to quite negative chatter, calm your mind and by association release stress and tension. When your mind is calm, your vision becomes clear. You can see what is important to you and realize what you can do without. With a clear vision and spiritual guidance you will be better equipped to choose a goal and plan a realistic path to reach your goal, while at the same successfully maneuvering the balancing act and raising balanced children.

Divorce: How To Maintain Sanity And Raise Balanced Kids

Parenting is a challenging proposition no matter what the situation, but when a divorce is taking place, parenting becomes an obstacle course. Not only are you dealing with your personal tragedy and are attempting to keep your life moving forward, but in addition to dealing with your crisis you can only guess how your child is being affected, especially when the divorce is less than amicable.

Making matters worse is the new parenting arrangement that forces the parties to the divorce to suddenly become master communicators about parenting, school issues, and of course the visitation schedule. In some cases the joint custody agreements that now make up the majority of shared parenting requests during divorces are extremely complex and complicated, determining the when and where of parenting down to the second.

If you find that you are in this maelstrom of chaos, sit back and go back to the basics. Here to help you is the divorcing parent's guide to parenting in a simple do and don't listing.

The Do's

• Maintain and open door policy with your children and make yourself available at all times to talk about the separation of living quarters between you and your spouse. Your children need to understand that they had no role in your decision to divorce and that they are not to blame for anything that happened.
• Children will need to work through the grief that comes from losing the family. This might cause the typical stages of grief, including bargaining, reasoning and anger. You may find that you are the target for these emotions. Remain calm, even if your children express anger, and remember that you are the adult in the room. While you do not need to justify yourself to your children, you should answer their questions factually, in an age appropriate manner.
• Stabilize the upheaval your children are experiencing. This is not the time to move them to a new school or daycare center, but instead it is the time to keep everything exactly the same, even if you need to drive out of your way to pick up your children.
• Set up a support network. Your children's teachers, caregivers, and other adults should know that you are divorcing and on the lookout for odd behaviors. This may also help them to make themselves available if your children need to open up to someone other than you.
• Involve your children in your plans. If you are thinking of moving, enlist your children's help in the process. Give them a lot of warning ahead of time so they can get used to the idea. Anything that presents a change to their already upside down home environment should be discussed well ahead of the event.
• Listen closely to what your children tell you. No matter how small the matter may appear to you, to your child they may be of greatest significance, especially now that their living situation has changed completely.
• Come up with new family traditions and way of doing things. This provides a sense of continuity and also a sense of belonging.

Here are the Don'ts

• Refrain from speaking in negative terms about your former spouse. Remember that she or he is still your child's other parent, and no matter what you think about the person, your child still loves them dearly! Forcing your child to take sides will backfire on you, even if initially they side with you.
• Avoid using your children as messengers to your former spouse. If you have something to pass on, contact your former spouse or their attorney directly, but do not make your kids pass notes or carry verbal information back and forth. If it is a bad message, your children will be on the receiving end of the frustration!

Word to Live by
Truth be told, there is no easy way out of a divorce. Help yourself and your children to adjust to the new way of life with the help of a mental health specialist. In some cases it may take a bit of time for obvious behavioral outbursts to take place, but even if they are slow in coming, they are nonetheless virtually inevitable.

Remember that both you and your child are adjusting to the new living quarter, the environment, and the absence of the other parent. Individual and also family counseling may help everyone to move on.

Really, I Am Going To Keep My New Years Resolution...

I know, I know.... Who still makes New Years Resolutions and actually takes them seriously?

Well, in my attempt, no, "journey" is a better term... In my journey to find and maintain my recently distant, pre-parenthood sanity, I have made a firm commitment to develop and succeed in my New Years Resolutions...

This is a big deal... This is the first time, ever, that I have made a decision to develop a New Years Resolution and seriously commit to it. In the past, I simply made goals for myself and tried to keep them. This year, I want to try something a bit different. Its a new year and I'm a new person. Out with the old and in with the new. I'm excited and looking forward to my better self in 2011...

So, here we go:

1. Organize- I'm usually not the one to give excuses, however, my excuse is... I am a single mother to a 5 year old "wild child" while, simultaneously, running a business. Most would not say that my job is simple, in fact, I think that my job would make many people snap and take comfort in a fetal position in the corner of a room. Nevertheless, due to my crazy schedule and endless demands, some things have become a bit unorganized (to say the least). I have developed this sort of, "organized chaos", if you will. For a while, the organized chaos, worked for me. It was a time saver because I didn't always put things in its place and I was able to keep up with the approx vicinity of most things. As of recent, I am realizing that my life is becoming more chaotic than organized.

This year I vow to develop a schedule that works for me. I vow to take time to organize my life and throw away unnecessary stuff  (mental junk included).

2. Be More Attentive- I truly enjoy every moment that I spend with my son. He is definitely my number one priority and I have always made sure that, when he calls, "MOMMY!!!" (which is often), I'm right there responding, "WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!"... The issue that I have been running into is that my mind runs 100 miles an hour and although I'm spending physical time with my son, my attention is somewhere completely different. I'm often times focused on other things such as the article that I need to finish writing, what I need to add to the grocery list, returning a clients call, etc...

This year I vow to be mentally present when I'm suppose to.

3. Invest More- Its been a tough transition with me going through a divorce. I have had to rebuild and reinvent myself, again. Often times, transitions such as mine can leave a person in financial ruins. Although, I have been blessed to have the strength within me to pick myself up and began to rebuild, my divorce left me in a "longer than expected" financial hardship.

This year I vow to work my butt of to contribute 25 % more in our investments. My goal is to rebuild what was lost during the my divorce.

4. Take Care Of Myself- Pre-parenthood... I was very conscious of my diet, exercise and my mental health... In general, just very conscious of my overall well being. Post -parenthood, I have slacked off a bit. I have been more concerned about being a good mother and less concerned about how I treat my mind and body. Now, I know that treating myself "good" is a part of being a good mother and that our children learn through the behavior that we model. We are, after all, their first teachers...

This year I vow to take better care of myself by eating healthier food, exercising regularly, meditating, praying and smiling more often.

Divorcing & Single Parents Finding Happiness

Divorcing and single parents that are dealing with trials during this holiday season, ponder this...

Wake up every morning and know for a fact that it was going to be a beautiful day. Happiness is a choice and when it is chosen, it is infectious to all of those around you. It is helpful to write yourself a few affirmations and sit it next to the bed so that it is the first thing you see when you wake up. Below, I have listed a few of my personal affirmations:

• Today, I'm going to commit to My greatness
• Today, I'm going to smile often
• Today, I'm going to enjoy the rainy weather
• Today, I'm going to forgive 
• Today, I'm going to be happy

Food For Thought:

Most people who want a relationship believe that an unhappy and mediocre relationship is better than no relationship at all, this simply is not true. The potential for a wonderful relationship always exist. Find happiness and never settle for less.